Spark
When Alex dropped me off at the airport earlier, I realized that I don’t travel much without him anymore. In all honesty, I don’t do much without him anymore. When I was single (and when our relationship was not as serious as it has slowly become) I used to do all sorts of things by myself: travel, go out to restaurants, see movies. I used to love seeing movies by myself. It felt a little taboo, like a 20 year old woman wasn’t supposed to be at the movies without some sort of companion; like that sort of behavior was reserved for spinsters and widows.
When he dropped me off, it was sad but also sort of liberating, like I could go see a movie by myself again. Or I could drive from Davis to LA without someone in the car. Alex and I recently talked about this. When we move back to LA we each need to drive, and he didn’t want me to drive alone. I reminded him that I had made that drive by myself, with a broken radio and a dead phone, several times before we were even glimmers of hope in each other’s minds. He shrugged and said he just didn’t want me to be bored, but I think there is something deeper there, something that I have forgotten to foster while in the shadow of this powerful love between us: my fierce and undeniable independent streak.
Alex gave me a couple of 20s when he dropped me off with a kiss, to get myself a few magazines and some food in the terminal, which was really nice of him. I was at the airport almost 2 hours early, so I skipped the books and went straight for the wine bar next to the last gate in the terminal. Who needs books when you have over priced appetizers and bowl-sized glasses of wine?
So here I am, at the wine bar, sipping a lovely Pinot Grigio, waiting for my flight with a heavy heart. Yet, there is some clarity in this trip, a slow and somewhat belated rediscovery of something that went untended in these last years. While my return to my family unaccompanied for the first time in quite a while is tainted with loss and grief, there is also a small spark of something long lost awakened in me. I felt it as soon as Alex drove away: my sense of adventure.
I have never felt uncomfortable eating in restaurants by myself, and I have always loved seeing movies sans escort, and today that spark dictates my actions once again. No one but myself to keep me company, and today that’s the way I want it. Some time to spend with myself, in the small space between the awesome power of the life I share with Alex, and my role in that, and the relationship to my family that is about to change forever, alone with myself and what I want and need in this moment. It is a small moment of healing, and I am grateful for it. I am grateful for this small wine bar in the airport, hours before my flight “home” – my last flight of this sort.
I’ll take it, for all that this moment is, and I will cherish it forever. And hopefully, next week, I will go see a movie by myself, and buy myself dinner and another glass of wine, and kiss myself goodnight, in the space between the awesome power of the time I share with Alex and all the relationships I cultivate with the other people I invite into my life.