Hopeless – Depression Update #1

Hopeless is a word I find myself using a lot. I mean, it’s kind of the definition of depression: hopeless drowning in the pain of, well, living. Today, in my comparative literature class, we were talking about this concept of the “pain of living.” Most writers in the Romantic Period dealt with this particular affliction. Then, it was considered art. Now, it’s considered a disease worthy of the heaviest weapon we can heave at it – psychiatric drugs.

Some days the so-called “pain of living” is unbearable, manifesting in cruel albeit mildly ironic ways. Some days my wrists hurt, my lower back aches like an old woman or my feet swell up such that I can’t wear my regular shoes. I’m not sure how much of this is mental and how much of it is sleeping in a bed that I find vaguely uncomfortable for no particular reason and how much if it is my body telling me that it wants in on this depression thing too.

Today, it’s my wrists and fingers. Sitting in class, I did my best to keep my hot coffee cup near where my pinkie meets my palm on my right hand. I clenched my teeth to keep from crying, and I almost couldn’t stop myself when I realized that what the class was talking about was either way too sophisticated for my quasi-analytical mind or I just didn’t really give a shit about the book we were talking about. It was probably a combination of both. It’s not that I’m stupid, I just don’t see why I’m spending my time talking about a book written 150 years ago. Moreover, I don’t know why I now need to write a 6-page paper comparing the 150-year-old book to a 600-year-old book about a completely different topic. Does this seem like a pointless exercise in futility to anyone else? Or is that the hopelessness talking again?

It seems unlikely that anything (especially long-winded drills in critical thinking) will ever spark my interest again. This is where I feel the most hopeless; I feel left behind while everyone around me finds joy and passion in their tasks. I simply do not find anything enjoyable anymore, and it is making me absolutely miserable.

">Google Bookmarks,

Share and Enjoy:

• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
•