An Open Letter to the Universe
Dear God,
If you are listening – well, then I definitely owe my roommate 10 bucks. While she is a stout believer in you and yours, I am not one to pray, as I do not believe in an entity that micromanages my life. But tonight I feel that I need to believe that someone is listening. And even if you aren’t, I still feel like I could benefit from pouring my heart out to the world.
I am not often one who asks for help, nor am I a person who looks to a higher power for answers, but lately I have been wondering if something huge is missing in my life; something on par with religious experiences or the sense of belonging that a religious community can offer. While I do not see myself becoming a pious person by any stretch of the imagination, I can see myself believing in a natural order of Things, and maybe I can even stretch that to a belief in some sort of higher power, whether it be a god or a Mother Nature.
But here I am in my life, at the tender age of 21, and I find myself begging a higher power through prayer. I am not asking for an A on a test or a winning lottery ticket or a negative pregnancy test; rather, I am looking for clarity. Recently in my life I have had a distinct lack of direction and purpose. I have been binging on negative emotions, and pushing myself into a cocoon of despair, and to what end? This is where clarity would serve me well.
It is difficult to just ask for clarity -like asking for a “sign” that things are going well (or poorly)- it is utterly useless because of the open-ended nature. Interpretation is a bitch.
Recently, I have been so stressed out that my life seems to have lost all of its meaning. My therapist recommended that I read “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Frankl, and while it has been useful as a tool in recognizing that my mind is indeed swathed in a sense of purposelessness, it has been less effective in offering me a sense of peace in finding my meaning. Does this sound strange? That my mind is not connecting with a book that is obviously profound and pretty much exactly what I was looking for? Frankl talks about an extensential crisis that I myself am experiencing, yet the solutions he is offering seem to be doing me no good. Frankl advocates for a future-based existence; living for an ultimate goal. He cites patients of his that have survived the darkest of hours because they know that their life’s work – a book they are writing, a child, a loved one –is not yet complete. And while I certainly have loved ones, is that enough purpose? Can my purpose really be wholly invested in another corporeal being? It is not that I do not find meaning in my loved ones, I just feel like my meaning should extend past serving those closest to me. In short, what do I want for me?
That last question, the loaded one, is the most difficult of them all. I have never satisfactorily answered it, and I’m not sure that many people have. While there is small comfort in knowing that I am not alone in my search, it also scares the living Christ out of me; if most people don’t know, will I ever answer that question? I can’t move on in my life knowing that I will never answer that question. I have to believe that I will have an answer… somewhere down the line.
So, god, if you are listening, I am asking for a clear path. I am asking for the knowledge that I will some day answer that final question: that I will eventually know what I want for myself. I am asking for the strength to go on in the interim, and to know that my life is not meaningless- it is just a work in progress. I am asking for clarity on this cool, pleasant night to keep moving on in spite of myself, and eventually to keep moving on because of myself.
Love,
Dev
haley said,
June 21, 2009 @ 11:50 am
i believe you can find the goddess in yourself
Aaron said,
June 22, 2009 @ 1:17 pm
A reply from someone within the universe:
Dear Dev,
I can’t give your life purpose or meaning. I just thought I’d throw that out there. I’m also astutely aware that we aren’t incredibly close, so any desire to completely disregard my advice shouldn’t make you feel guilty.
I’ve asked a lot of questions in my life, about a lot of different things. Since we’re on the topic of religion, I’ll use that as a context. There are many different religious interpretations of life’s meaning; many Christians will tell you that life’s meaning is to serve God and get into heaven. Buddhists will tell you that the life’s purpose is enlightenment and nirvana, while many Hindus will tell you that we must be the best people possible in order to be reincarnated into a better life next time. Personally, these all seem a bit selfish to me. In Judaism, one would argue that the word t’shuvah–healing the world–is the most important. And while I’m not completely adamant that one should be constantly giving back to the world, it raises an important idea:
The future does not give your life meaning. (Sorry Frankl). You give your life meaning, and that should be enough. The future is too uncertain to count on for meaning–what if you never finish that book? What if your child dies in a horrific accident? We as a culture are too obsessed with the idea of a meaningful life, to be honest. What is most important, I believe, is what you do with yourself now. The idea of healing the world is only one facet of a broader idea: that you do as much or as little as you want to to give your life meaning. In the end, you are the one who is empowered.
In life, we derive meaning from the things that we do and the experiences that we have. People grasp meaning and significance from completely different things, so how could there possibly be a single meaning or purpose for life? If you stop asking, you may realize that the question itself is an awful one. Asking about the meaning or purpose of life leaves an opening for the realization that life has no explicit meaning or purpose. If we rest all of our beliefs on the fact that life is meaningful, why continue on when we find out there is no purpose?
Because life is beautiful. It is an adventure of the human spirit. Just learning, experiencing, loving, losing, and being alive are worth living. I couldn’t care any less if my life has any meaning, as long as when I look back on it it’s a life I wouldn’t regret living.
My advice is not to live in the future (to an extent–goals are always good), or in the past, but in the present. Right now is the only thing you will ever have any real influence over, and even that isn’t much. You have so much more to do and accomplish, you won’t need any explicit meaning.
I’m rambling, but I want to leave you with something I came up with a year ago when I was being reflective: “You are no more important or significant than a single living thing on this planet. That includes plants, bugs, animals, and other humans. But take solace in the fact that you are also no less important than a single living thing on this planet. That includes plants, bugs, animals, and other humans.”
Aaron
Maria said,
June 23, 2009 @ 8:39 pm
Pretty cool post. I just found your blog and wanted to say
that I’ve really liked browsing your posts. Any way
I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon!
How I Make $300 a Day Posting Links Online said,
June 30, 2009 @ 1:26 pm
Cool post, just subscribed.